W1 B1 - A Take on Mental Health

Introduction

Mental Health is one of the most important topics anyone can discuss on a personal level. For most, they go their entire life without truly telling their story, experiences, and burdens. For me, this build up only causes a larger problem later down the line.

Think about it. When you shake a bottle of carbonated water or soda, what happens when you open it up? What about if you shake it nonstop? It explodes. And boy, does it create so much more of a mess than simply opening it and pouring it out. OR, you know, doing what a drink is for, and drinking it.

When I was 13, I was professionally diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I had been trialing different therapists for about a year. My parents were both trying to assist me, but without having encountered any mental health concerns in either of themselves or any of my 5 siblings, they were trying their hardest.

The first one was only one session, it didn't feel like I could really speak my story and what was going through my head. This was a slight mental setback on the topic of therapists. The second one was overly religious and resolved everything with the claim "God will solve it. Let it pass" "Just go through it, God has a plan" "Did you pray?". If you know anything about me, I am a non-denominated Christian, meaning I have my own beliefs within the overhead religion of Christianity. The third was the final, whether I liked him or not, it would be the last one I at least tried.

Before we get into my digest of therapy (because I'm not here to preach to you, just tell my story and give you a voice of relation), let's back up a few steps.

Branch 1 - What caused this?

I consider myself lucky enough to atleast know when my battle with mental illness first began. For many, this is not the case. And I see you, and I empathize with you.

When I was 12, I was visiting my grandparents in my home city of Prescott, Arizona. If you are unaware of Prescott (pronounced PRESS - SKIT), it's a very quiet, nature-forward city of Arizona that is lined with beautiful mountain landscapes covered in dark green pine and oak trees. Where my grandparents live is on the hillside, in a quiet retirement heavy neighborhood.

This house was always very comforting to me. It felt safe, spacious, and inviting. It was where we frequently traveled (I'd say, once a month / every two months) to see my grandparents and have a small vacation. This was the city I was born in, after all, and where I was properly raised before moving to the hot valley in Phoenix.

However, a specific night, unsure of the date, things unfortunately turned bad for me. No, nothing happened to me. No, no one caused or influenced this. It was entirely within my own conscious and mental space that I made a grave discovery (although, is most definitely not a 'new' or 'earthshattering' discovery).

The table for dinner was set. My mom, closest brother in age, and grandparents were all sitting around the table, ready to eat broccoli, buttered noodles, and mashed potatoes. I had excused myself to use the bathroom. The bathroom of choice was right next to the dining room, the most convenient. However, for some reason, this bathroom always terrified me. There were clay masks in the hallway leading to it that always gave me the creeps. I always felt like they were judgemental eyes. In addition, in the bathroom itself (which was only a half bath and a very uncomforting sliding door) was always some type of spider lurking and waiting for me. The window was regularly left open to let in the cool breeze outside, which was ample opportunity for these arachnids to create a new home and jumpscare the living shit out of me.

However, after handling my business (if you must know, it was not a fast one), I went to wash my hands. When washing my hands, I had stood there, soaking in the freezing cold water mixed with fish graphic hand soap, and began looking into my own eyes. I have always been fascinated by space my whole life, so I began imagining the dark pupils of my eyes as a solar system. In this, however, I began questioning my existence. I had begun questioning my beliefs on the soul, body, mind, what makes me live. I am a believer in a soul within the consciousness of the body, and the body is almost like a shell to control for the soul. Think Power Rangers in their Zord suits. The soul is the Power Ranger, and the human body is the Zord robot suit.

In this existential panic attack, I began hyperventilating and losing my mind. I questioned everything: my existence, what life was before I gained consciousness (birth), where I am, what am I, am I just a shell of a human, what is my soul, what is my destiny, and most importantly, my impending inevitable death.

Branch 2 - Am I alone?

The immediate thought that began rushing through my head was "Am I alone?" "Is this universe closing around me?" "Does anyone else have a soul like I do?" "Is this really life, or am I just dreaming?".

I can replay those exact dilemmas pulsating through my mentalscape like it was yesterday. It was terrifying.

The truth is: No, you and I are not alone. Never will be, no matter how hard we try. There is an indescribable amount of people who endure the exact same anxieties, concerns, stresses, and thoughts that you do. That doesn't nullify your truths, however.

You are so overwhelmingly unique, and that in and of itself is the beauty of life. Life is so incredibly vast and differentiating that no matter how similar two people are raised and treated, they will never be 100% the same, and I think that's what makes us human. But the truth of the matter is, even though you are different, you are not alone.

The human brain is an object that was identified by itself, alongside every little neural link, bridge, band, and connection. It's a million radio and electrical signals. Truth be told: your brain is a computer, literally and metaphorically. That's one of the top ongoing studies with the brain is how absolutely jaw dropping it is in its intricacies. We still don't 100% understand it, and if you ask me, I don't think we ever will.

I digress on my scientific rant, as mental health is ultimately the topic at hand.

Branch 3 - Who really cares?

The topic that always ran through my head when I would begin to spiral is: is this only me who is affected by this? Does what I'm going through even impact the slightest bit of the world outside of me?

Ultimately, the problems you are facing in your brain truly do matter. And they deserve to be expelled and discussed with a trusted peer. Now, don't get me wrong, you shouldn't just go up to a random businessman on the street and begin to trauma dump on them - that wouldn't be very beneficial for you OR him (unless he's into that, in that case, shoot for the stars cowboy.)

I implore you to inform those around you with your situation. Inform them beforehand, of course, that you have something serious to get off your chest. Whether they already know, this is new information to them, or it's just a light check in, it's important that someone knows what you're going through. What you'll quickly realise is that the person of choice 99% cares about what you are discussing, more than you could have ever anticipated. And maybe, they have similar or relevant experience.

Depression is its own problem. It's not being 'bummed out', it's not 'weekend sadness', it's not 'I just need to cry'. It's its own entity, and needs to be treated like it. It is incredibly disrespectful, unhealthy, and damn near life-threatening to try and brush it off as just 'a bad day'. Voice this with your trusted person. Inform them just how deeply this cuts into you. A metaphor I recommend is a physical one. Use something around you to describe how intense your mental illnesses really break you down internally. Because to those who have never experienced them, they can only imagine the worst they have personally experienced (and tbh, sometimes they don't even imagine it to that extent). Physical objects can always help get your point across.

Nonetheless, the people you inform are important to be in the know of it.

When you shake a bottle of carbonation, what happens? It fizzes up. And when you keep shaking it, what happens? It will eventually explode. Now imagine shaking it and handing it to someone and saying "I got this for you". They're gonna open it and it will explode all over them, right?

Now imagine if you had given them the bottle with the prenotion of "hey I shook this up, it will explode if you're not careful". They will be alot more careful and observant of the bottle (alongside you, as you pretty much handed them a live grenade).

YOU are the bottle. If you keep shaking yourself up with your experiences, trauma, and hardships, eventually you too will explode. You need to inform someone who will help you ease that tension, ease the carbonation, ease you through your problems. And once you open that bottle lid, I urge you to never close it again.

Branch 4 - Does it matter?

The fact is: it does matter. And it always will.

Mental health and stability is one of my core elements as a person, as a creator, as an engineer, as a person. If you ever feel like no one understands you or is on your side, have confidence in your peers, your mentors, and most importantly yourself that you are not suffering alone. Everything in this world matters, and fun fact: YOU are in this world.

I promise that no matter what you go through is increasingly important day by day, and you deserve to share your story. Whether it be publicly or privately, I believe that the words you have deserve to be said or written. Take the time out of your day to have a heart-to-heart with someone you trust. Discuss what you think about and what they think about. Take the time out of your day to write down your struggles or worries. When you look at them, you'll begin to piece together how to overcome or solve them. Sometimes all you need is to lay down the cards to gather the information you need, cause if you keep them in your hand, all you're gonna do is ponder and wonder.

You matter. Your story matters. Your passions matter. Your stability matters.

Branch 5 - Semi-colon.

A reoccuring branding I will use is a semicolon: ;

The purpose of a semicolon in English writing is to signify that a sentence, or in this case story, could have ended and been concluded, but instead was chosen by the writer to continue. In other words, a life could have ended or been taken, but instead was continued. The idea behind the semicolon has resonated with me since I first ran into its usage, and I will continue to use it in its purest form.

I thank you for reading my story. I wrote this story as a love letter to myself on my journey with depression and anxiety, and wanted to tell my story to those who 1. Have a similar story of their own, 2. Want a resource to prove they are not alone, or 3. Someone who wants to learn what mental illness can be from an insiders point of view.

Resources I recommend

You are never alone. Don't make a permanent decision to a temporary problem.

Stay connected

You can find me at: YouTube X Twitch

WEEK 1 BLOG 1 - APRIL 1st